Tiredness

I believe in living with total transparency. I am open, unguarded. Part of this reality for me is a curse word worse than the f-word, my own little f-bomb: fibromyalgia.


There are a lot of doctors out there who believe fibromyalgia is a myth, doctors who haven't bothered to update their medical knowledge as it was so recently made a rheumatological disorder. This frustrates me, and it always makes genuine help difficult to reach. Insane, right? When you're sobbing (currently on the phone due to Covid-19) to your doctor about how he's known you're in agony for sixteen months, and promised you help, all you hear is the sound of medicine cabinets being locked, hushed whispers about drug seeking. To be clear: I really hate medication. It's a droll and recently ineffectual ritual cry to the gods begging them for them to pour a little out of your overflowing cup of pain, to take you from a 14 on the pain scale to an 8.


That's what most chronic pain sufferers want, by the way. Not for someone to wave a magick wand and make it all go away; we want to get down to the point where, even though our bodies ache in a place deeper than our bones, our muscles obey us, and we can breathe without hitching our breath in our throats in pain when we move.


What I want is for someone to give me back the tools to write my novels for you all in the timely manner you deserve. Being in agony is so, so tiring, and being this tired gives you two distinct reality. In one, you are staring at your manuscript on the screen, and your mind is horribly blank. The other, you're lying down trying to sleep, and scenes, characters, plots, come flying through your mind and you just can't hold on to them.


I am so very frustrated with my body, disappointed in my doctors, and humbled by the patience my readers grant me. I wanted you all to know what fuelled the delays in these novels, and what I'm fighting through to get them out there.. because you deserve it.


My love to you all.

Catelyn x



 

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